How to run a triathlon for idiots (because I was one)

Bree (the pro) and her amateur roomies

So my lovely roommate, Bree, works at a residential treatment center for teenage boys. Part of their focus in treatment includes training for and doing triathlons. Their treatment center, Telos, even puts one on! Last fall, the girls split up and each did a leg. Then this spring Trish said she was going to do it all on her own. Naturally, I had to do it with her. With minimal training and no experience, we had quite an adventure. In hopes that no other amateur triathlete will make the same mistakes we did, I include the following advice:

1. Register for the triathlon before the day of. So unfortunately registering slipped my mind until 12:30 on the day online registration closed. I thought the extra $15 fee to register the day of was lame. Little did I know I would get four hours of sleep the night before, arrive 30 minutes before the start of the race, find out they didn't accept credit cards, sprint to my car, speed over to a bunch of broken ATMs, buy a pack of Mentos at Target just to get $40 cash back, and borrow three bucks from Bree just to register. I was having a panic attack before the race even started. Hence my next advice....

2. Get more than four hours of sleep the night before.

3. Arrive more than 30 minutes before the race.

4. If you don't follow #1, bring some form of payment other than a credit card.

5. Bring a helmet. That's right. Trish and I failed to bring helmets to a triathlon. I do not own a bike helmet, only a ski helmet. Being ever so fashion-conscious, Trish and I decided the ski helmet would be much too embarrassing and tacky. Sweet Trish said she would leave hers at home, so I would not be the only one without a helmet. Bad, bad idea. So after the registration fiasco was figured out, an official kindly informed us we could not ride with out helmets. Trish and I started the run not knowing if we would actually be able to ride. But luckily, we have an awesome friend, Zach, who found us helmets and handed them to us as we ran in. Close call!

6. Don't use a hybrid bike you received for Christmas as a preteen. I'd like to think Trish and I were doing pretty good after the run. But as soon as we jumped on our rusty hybrid bikes, we were in toast. The bluish-purple dandy I received for Christmas when I was thirteen is great for riding around the Weddington Circle, but not much for a triathlon. While others sped past on their fancy road bikes, Trish and I struggled to say the least. By the time we got in the pool, we had fallen so far back in the pack I had to swim with a bunch of old men. No bueno.

7. Learn to swim. Unfortunately I only lasted through one season of swim team as a child. Most meets were spent standing stubbornly on the starting block and whining to my parents that it was "too cold!!!". So my swimming skills are definitely subpar. While attempting not to drown, I managed to kick the aforementioned old men a few times. Because the swim portion took place in a pool, the elderly competitors decided just to wade through the shallow end. I don't blame them, but them walking through the lanes while I'm clumsily making motions resembling breast stroke is not a good combination.

8. Wear an ugly Speedo swimsuit. So this is totally against my fashion taste, but I would advise you to wear a less-than-flattering Speedo one piece. I did not own one and was forced to wear a cute black swimsuit. Unfortunately it is a halter so my little straps were poking out behind my neck tied it a little bow. If anyone was confused whether I was an amateur, the bow was a dead giveaway. Also, running in a halter swimsuit was not fun.

9. Train. So I went running a few times and went on an afternoon bike ride one day with Trish, but I'd hardly call that "training". I don't know what training for a triathlon would entail because I didn't do it, but I bet that would have been beneficial.

I can't believe I was such an idiot or that I lived to tell the tale. I think I made almost every rookie mistake possible. But now that you're ready to do a triathlon, how about some pictures!

Trish and I after I survived the swim

Zach our helmet hero!